Getting What I Want

I am… I think… finally, starting to see my work for the past year or so beginning to bear fruit. It’s a wonderful feeling to have clients and to be doing work that I enjoy. The best feeling in the world is actually completing projects to send them off into the world.

My little video babies…

Lol. Now I’m making my self laugh. Which is good. For the soul, for the heart, for me.

A few years back I decided that I would really make an attempt at running my own video production business. At first, I was full of excitement at the idea, but then anxiety about my abilities took hold (Would I actually be able to do the things I say I can? Am I actually just full of myself? Am I crazy to try this new thing?), which was followed by the depression, which led to me not doing anything to make the business move forward. Ugh.

That couldn’t go on forever. It was making me miserable to have a goal and NOT be acting on it. Thank you, therapy, for helping me to take actionable steps (yes, they were little baby steps) toward me facing my anxiety head-on so that I could get back to being productive.

Skip forward, and I’m working at building a small business in video production that focuses on telling science stories to the point where I now have sufficient business to keep myself busy. I might be too busy though…

I don’t know. Maybe my level of busyness is just right. It’s summer, and I (like everyone else) would rather be lounging on a river or beach than working in my office during these beautiful days, which are a VERY seasonal occurrence in Portland, OR.

Part of my decision to work for myself is based on wanting to be able to spend time with my son. And, yet, now that I am beginning to get the success I am aiming for as a video-maker, I find myself handing him the iPad so that I can work. This is a less than satisfying result for my soul. These years with the child will be gone before I know it, and there are no do-overs in this game.

Still, I also feel as though I haven’t taken a real break for a very, very long time. I went from working, to having a child, back to working, and then there was the anxiety and depression, not to mention the move to Portland, struggling for money, creating a new life in a new city, still working… and I’m still working.

Thankfully, I do love my work. And, I don’t think I could have kept it going this long if my work didn’t feed my soul. But, I think I’m tired, and I don’t know how to fix that because I made my decision to create a business that requires constant attention. Between work and family and my crazy brain, I honestly don’t know when I will be able to rest.

Maybe it’s time to hire some help? (That idea panics me because hiring people would mean that I realio, trulio am running a business, which is a bit scary and exciting to consider.)

Anyway, as I work through the emotions of balancing work and life, I’d love to hear from other parents. Do you work for yourself? As an entrepreneur, what do you do when the beautiful season hits? How do you make ends meet, and not feel like you are working all the time? If you work a steady job, how do you handle the summers when kids are home?

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